


Knowing

by madsthenerdygirl



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 02:32:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9051736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madsthenerdygirl/pseuds/madsthenerdygirl
Summary: Kima is possibly dying in the Underdark, and Allura is realizing she has left important things unsaid.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tashayar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tashayar/gifts).



> This is so sappy. I'm so sorry. Also happy Winter's Crest to all, but especially tashayar, to whom this is gifted!

Allura couldn’t stop pacing.

Across the room—one hundred and twenty paces.

Turn at the corner, go fifty paces down that side, turn again, another one hundred and twenty paces.

She felt like she must be wearing a groove into the floor. She was almost certain that she had worn a trail in her carpet. It was a new carpet, one she’d bought to replace the one that Vox Machina had “borrowed.” It amused her that they thought she didn’t know they had it. Not that she really minded them having it. It was a leftover from her adventuring days, and it was far more useful in the hands of Vox Machina than it was lying on her living room floor.

Of course, back in the day Kima had been the one who had most enjoyed using the flying carpet. It was the closest thing she’d get to riding a dragon, she’d say.

Kima…

It had been weeks. _Weeks_. Kima was never gone for that long. Back when they’d been an adventuring group, they traveled all over, but since disbanding after Thordak and Allura’s decision to stay in Emon, Kima had never been gone from her for more than two weeks at most. She’d get a letter from Kima every few days from her as well, just to reassure Allura that she was all right.

But now it had been upwards of three weeks, and she had heard nothing. She knew nothing, other than there was a deep evil starting to take hold of Kraghammer. What the evil was, what it was doing, what it might have done to Kima…

Allura shuddered. She was tempted to go back to the shrines down in the basement, dedicated to the various gods. She had all of the gods that her cleric and paladin friends worshipped, such as Saranrae and Bahamut, so that she could pray to them for their safety. But she had spent far too many hours on her knees, begging Bahamut, burning bags of incense and sacrificing most of her small gems.

Perhaps she could go and see Gilmore? He had become a friend to her through Vox Machina. But what could he say to her that she did not already know? They could do nothing but trust in Vox Machina’s ability. Gilmore firmly believed that they would be back, with Kima in tow. Allura feared that it would be worse.

She reached another corner and turned again. Fifty paces.

How could she have been so stupid? She’d become… complacent. Yes. Yes that was the word. When she had accepted the position on the council and decided to stop adventuring, Kima had taken it the wrong way. Allura had thought—stupid, stupid—but she’d thought that Kima would just understand. She’d thought that Kima would know that Allura wasn’t meant to go traipsing around the globe forever, that it didn’t mean anything about their relationship, that Allura still wanted—

Well. Kima hadn’t known. Kima, instead, had thought that Allura had gotten tired of her.

The arguments had never gotten to the point of shouting, since Allura didn’t shout and Kima hated anyone knowing her personal business and had kept herself quiet so no one on the street could hear them, but they’d still been bad.

The silence that had followed the arguments was worse.

It was just like neither of them had wanted to try anymore.

How could she have done that? How could she have just let Kima go?

Allura stopped pacing and sank down into a chair. It had been years since she’d been this worried for Kima. How could she have become so complacent? How could she have wasted such opportunities?

Fear, probably. It had taken Kima a few very violent quests—in which she’d terrified locals as well as the monsters she was chasing, according to Asum—to calm down enough to get back to being friends with Allura, never mind anything romantic. Kima had been her best friend, even before they’d become partners. Allura hadn’t wanted to lose that.

She could still hear the echo of Kima’s angry words. _“Was this just a temporary thing for you? Convenient while we were on the road?”_

Not that she hadn’t said angry things in return. _“A ‘congratulations on getting on the council’ would be nice!”_

She buried her face in her hands. Gods, she wanted to apologize, she wanted to say all the things she hadn’t dared to, scared that if she’d started everything would come spilling out—that Kima would reject her. She’d do it kindly, of course. They were friends. But it would still be rejection.

She’d take that rejection now. She’d take Kima spitting in her face if only Kima was alive, here, in front of her.

How much longer did she have to wait? Her entire body felt like it was itching somewhere deep inside, within the muscle, far under her skin where she couldn’t reach it. She balled her hands into fists, feeling her nails digging into the soft skin of her palms. She had never felt so useless, not even when Sirus, Dohla, and Ghenn had passed. It had given her grief to be unable to revive them, but they had fought well and had died successful.

If Kima was gone… if Kima was gone and she had done _nothing…_

Allura curled up in her chair, pressing her forehead to her knees. Please, please, if any god at all was listening…

A knock sounded through the chamber and she jerked her head up, almost as if she’d been pulled by a string.

“Allura!” It was Keyleth. The knocking was now banging. “Allura!”

Allura all but leapt out of her chair, nearly tripping over her own dress in her haste to get down the stairs and to the front door. They were back, they were back, oh gods please let Kima be with them and okay and—

She threw open the door, realizing only too late that she looked a complete mess. Her hair was coming out of her braids since she hadn’t bothered to sleep properly, usually falling asleep in her chair or in front of Bahamut’s shrine. Her dress was wrinkled. There were probably bags under her eyes.

Fortunately, Keyleth didn’t seem to notice. The druid was in front, looking tired but cheerful. Hovering behind her like a second shadow was Vax’ildan. Poor boy, his crush on Keyleth was painfully obvious. Next to Vax, as always, was Vex. Trinket was lumbering around in the street behind her. Percival, Tiberius, Grog and Pike were all clustered to the side, and Scanlan was over on Vex’s other side, leaning against the wall and looking pleased with himself.

“Hello.” Allura drew herself up, trying to look like she hadn’t spent the last month crying every few hours. “I’m glad you’re all well. Did you…”

“ _Move_ it, Grog!”

Kima shoved Grog aside and Allura felt like her heart was throwing itself against her ribcage. She was covered in mud and other grimy things and she looked exhausted but Kima was _alive_. She was alive!

She crossed the few feet that separated them before she even realized she wanted to move, picking Kima up effortlessly and whirling her around. It had been something she’d done after almost every battle, when they’d emerged once again victorious and alive. She hadn’t done it in years, and for a moment she was worried that Kima would object or wonder if she’d lost her mind—but then Kima started laughing and clung to her arms, and even though the world was spinning, for the first time in weeks Allura felt like she was on solid ground.

Vox Machina left quickly—they had to rest and resupply, which included a stop by Gilmore’s. Everyone got identical devious grins on their faces, except for Vax, who just looked timidly excited. It reminded Allura that she had a bet going with Jarrett, the head of Vox Machina’s home security, over whether Vax would end up dating Gilmore or Keyleth.

Well, she’d worry about that later. Everyone said their goodbyes, she said her thank-yous, and they trotted off.

And she had Kima to herself.

Allura felt a strange nervousness starting to knot itself up in the pit of her stomach. Kima was her best friend. What if she was about to ruin everything? She’d ruined it once, hadn’t made Kima feel appreciated, and it had taken months for their friendship to heal. She couldn’t lose Kima again, emotionally or otherwise.

“Do you want some tea?” She asked, leading the paladin inside. “Do you need to pray to Bahamut? My shrine is available, although I’m almost out of incense. I have some cookies as well, if you want them. Jarrett brought them by. He’s got nothing to do while Vox Machina is gone.”

She was rambling. When had she ever rambled?

“I’m good.” Kima began to strip off her armor. For a moment Allura was surprised, but then she remembered that Kima didn’t have her own home so she always stayed with Allura when she was in town. That… suddenly felt awkward in a way it never had before.

“Right.” Allura nodded, and then found herself at a loss for words.

It wasn’t like being in love with Kima was a new revelation. She’d known for ages. Since… oh dear. It was hard to recall.

Probably since she took the paladin oath. It was something that a paladin did once they finished their apprenticeship under another paladin, and then took a couple of years to try being a paladin on their own. If, after those couple of years, they still wanted to follow the paladin life, they would swear an oath. Of the three possible, Kima had sworn the Oath of Vengeance.

Allura had been there when it had happened. Kima had asked her to be there. She had stood, watching, in the shadows of the corner of the temple of Bahamut while Kima knelt before the shrine. The clerics there had guided her in the process, and Kima had sworn to be a fist of righteous justice against all evil, to fight the darkness wherever she met it, or to die trying.

Allura remembered well, standing in the shadows, feeling as though she would now forever be a part of the shadows of Kima’s life. Kima had a new life now, as a paladin, Allura would be left behind. Allura would become second, an afterthought. Perhaps, even, forgotten.

The thought had felt like a knife to the chest—and Allura knew what that felt like. In that moment, she had known. She was in love with Kima of Vord.

How could she ever have forgotten that feeling, and the fear that came with it? How had she ever begun to act in a way that made Kima feel she wasn’t appreciated? How had she just begun to assume things, like Kima’s presence and her knowledge of Allura’s love?

She had thought she’d lost any opportunity. She had thought she’d lost the woman she loved. She couldn’t go through that again, at least not without knowing that she’d at least told Kima how she felt.

“Allura?”

She realized that she had been standing in the center of the room, staring into space, for a good minute. She turned and saw Kima out of her armor, looking confused. “Everything okay?”

The moment Kima said those words, her voice unusually soft, tears sprang into Allura’s eyes. “I thought I’d lost you.”

Kima shook her head. “Nope. You’re not that lucky.”

Allura nodded, trying to laugh. She didn’t really succeed. Kima’s brows furrowed and she walked over. “Are you upset I took off my armor in the living room? I’ll move it.”

“It’s not—no. I don’t mind.” Although she usually did, always yelling at Kima after she’d tripped over a gauntlet or breastplate.

Kima took another step closer. Allura almost wished she had a stool for Kima to stand on. She was still too far away. “Then what is it? You look like you’re gonna cry.”

That did it. Allura burst into tears.

“Oh, crap.” Kima grabbed Allura’s hand and dragged her to a chair, sitting her down and then dragging a footstool over so she could stand on it and put them at eye level. “It’s me, isn’t it. I’m sorry, I know I caused you trouble. Vox Machina—”

Allura shook her head. “I know you don’t like new people. But I had no word, Kima. Nothing. I was so scared. You always write me.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” Kima reached up, tucking some of Allura’s loose hair behind her ears. “It was a really close call down there. I’m not gonna lie. But I knew I’d make it out.”

“You don’t know that.” That was the whole point, that there was never any guarantee that Kima would come back. That was why Allura needed to tell her now, before her chance slipped away again.

“I do.” Kima smiled at her, wiping away a tear from Allura’s face, and Allura realized that Kima still had her cheek cupped in her hand. Her thumb was brushing slowly back and forth across Allura’s face. “Because I have to get back to you.”

The breath in her chest seemed to freeze and become solid as she considered Kima’s words. She didn’t mean—did she?

Kima leaned in, their noses brushing. “You need to know. I will always come back to you. Okay?”

Allura nodded. Her heart was thudding hard, and the world felt off-kilter again.

“You need to know that I love you. Okay? I’ll always come back because I love you. Do you know that?”

Allura pulled back just an inch so that she could look into Kima’s eyes properly. She had seen Kima look at her many ways over the years. There was the fond, exasperated _what are you doing you crazy person_ look, the annoyed _you’re being too nice to the criminal_ look, and the conspiratorial _those people are idiots_ look, among others. But never had she seen such unguarded love in Kima’s eyes. It was naked and raw and more than she had ever expected.

“I know.”

Kima leaned in again, this time to kiss her. She pressed Allura back against the sofa, and Allura had no choice but to grab onto Kima’s waist or risk them both losing their balance and banging their foreheads together. The paladin’s lips were a bit chapped and Allura thought she could taste stale blood, but it only made her hold on tighter. Kima loved her back. _Kima loved her back_. She was never getting over that.

She smiled into the kiss, which made it a bit messy, but she didn’t mind because she knew—

She’d never been this happy before in her life.


End file.
